The urge is like an ocd tic...
On the nights when I feel as though I need to cut...it comes to me like a tidal wave, and smashes across my entire body. I have grown out of the phase of having to cut every day. Although, there are times in the past year when I have cut everyday for several weeks in a row. Then I go for 2 or 3 months without a single urge. But when it comes back, it is a vicious beast. It can be all consuming. I have been able to conceal these urges from my husband...we have been together for over 12 years and he does not know that I still cut. It is a careful dance I perform when i comes to hiding scars or recent/healing cuts. Luckily, we have 3 cats and I can humorously and non-chalantly blame them for any indiscretions. But those instances are few and far between and he doesn't ever connect the dots from previous occurrences. The other phase I have grown out of is needing to make long cuts. My cuts now are much more succinct and controlled. Most of them now are less than 1 inch long, but they are generally deeper than I used to make them. This makes them easier to explain, but still provides the relief i need at the time since it takes longer to go deeper. Last night instead of a proper cutting session, I clipped my finger nails and cuticles. I was left with 5 of 10 fingers bleeding to the point of needing band-aids because they wouldn't clot. I was able to perform this task with my husband sitting right here next to me. He always makes fun of the fact that i can't get through a clipping sessions without making my self bleed...he thinks its funny. I have never corrected him as to the real reason. Tonight I type with 3 band-aids still on...my finger tips are raw and painful. they will be like this for several days. no one will know why, and the vast majority certainly won't ask. It is my private struggle, as I am a secretary by day, and every key stroke hurts right now. But that makes it better too. The one thing I know, is that once the thought of cutting is in my mind, it normally takes over...sometimes for only a few days, sometimes months. And like a compulsion, it is nearly impossible to get the desire and panic to go away without taking action. So...there you go...that's what i've got so far. I hope others will join in to share their experiences. We are not alone in this struggle.
- February 2013