My thoughts on cheating

I've been married for about 15 years now with an ABSOLUTE constant struggle within myself to stay monogamous. It's as simple as the little devil on my shoulder, constantly whispering in my ear about the cute girl down the hall at work.

I've come so close a few times, but always backed out at the last minute. There was a charity bar crawl I went to with friends from college and ended up making out with a blonde attendee. It was exciting and new, but I knew it would get out, so I left her at the bar and headed home.

There's been other situations I've let myself get into (usually, shockingly alcohol related). There's been two girls at my work that we got close enough to holding hands while out drinking. If it wasn't for 'work friends' keeping me on the up and up and the knowledge that I had to be home at the end of the night, I think the nights would have gone farther.

I've told friends (but never my wife) that I don't feel like I was built for marriage. I'm an excellent father of 2, giving my kids everything, but not sure about how good of a husband.

Obviously, this stems from compatibility with my wife. I married my best friend, but not necessarily my sexual equal. She's a good mother, loyal wife, hard worker, but very prudish and vanilla in the bedroom. It's constant missionary and it's all about her ALL the time.

Early in our marriage, I got tired of 'trying'. We tried the open communication, but it wasn't enough. I like things hard, she likes things soft. I constantly lost the battle, so gave up the war. Now, maybe we have sex 4-5 times a year.

So, the dirty devil is back on my shoulder again.

Usually I can appease that subconscious drive of mine with emotional cheating. Once or twice a year I can find the ability to sneak into an online chat room and have cyber sex or roleplay. It helps, like getting a fix for an addiction. Now my kids are older, more responsibilities, and I'm not sure when the time will come for me to try to get there.

I think, for me, cheating is the definition of subcoming to basic primal instincts that we all have and society tells us we shouldn't.

In grade school, the lying teachers told us 2 things mate for life: humans and swans. They are crazy.

Monogamy is only as powerful as the base desire for safety and satisfaction.

We are all, by design, attracted to the most beautiful and handsome in the room. If someone you are attracted to also makes you feel safe, or satisfies your emotional needs more than your spouse, your body takes over.

For survival reasons, we used to all run in packs, and the alpha male would have lions share of the women. Women grouped around the alpha male for protection, and to know their offspring would be strong.

Now, we say it differently: "power is sexy". We still have the same desires, but it's society and religion that says it's wrong. The humiliation of confronting our siblings and parents, the possibility of being ostracized by friends, and the potential of losing our children to the other keeps us all in check to make sure we do what we're suppose to.

Those are damn good motivations for staying unhappy, but are they enough? So far, yes.

The good news (I guess) is I'm getting older. The potentially for swaying from the path becomes less and less. I'm not rich and powerful, so the cute blondes aren't as flirty as they used to be.

In the end, when all is said and done, I wonder what I'd regret more: deciding to live in the sexless marriage or giving in to the little devil on my shoulder for fleeting moments of happiness.

  • November 2013